Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
