look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
