The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.