My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
