He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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