She went from zero to smokin in five shots
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize