oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
