Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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