When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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