when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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