dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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