so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
