Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This baby is an asshole
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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