Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
