No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
