Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
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I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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