Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
