Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
