so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Did I show you my penis last night?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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