dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
