just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
