how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
