tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
