apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
