I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
