I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
