First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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