Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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