I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
