thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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