i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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