I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
