does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
