i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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