im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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