Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
