Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
