Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Acid is not a monday night drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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