You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't turn off my feet"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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