Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
