your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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