We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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