im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
