my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
