just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
