One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
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I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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