life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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