Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
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First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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