so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
time to smoke my breakfast
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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