if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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