We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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