Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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