i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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