I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
