I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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