Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
