Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
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It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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